Why You Don’t Need to “Just Calm Down”
One of the most frustrating things someone can say when you’re anxious?
“Just calm down.”
As if calm is a switch you forgot to flip.
As if you haven’t already tried:
taking deep breaths
telling yourself it’s fine
reasoning your way out of it
distracting yourself
forcing positive thoughts
And yet… here you are. Still anxious.
Here’s the truth most people don’t realize:
Trying to calm yourself down is often what keeps anxiety stuck.
Why “Calm Down” Makes Things Worse
When your goal is calm, everything else becomes a problem.
A racing heart means you’re failing.
A tight chest means the tool isn’t working.
A spiraling thought means you’re doing it wrong.
So, you fight it.
You tense your body.
You argue with your thoughts.
You monitor every sensation, waiting for it to go away.
And your nervous system gets the message: “This is dangerous. We need to fix this. Stay alert.”
Anxiety doesn’t settle because you demand calm.
It settles when it feels safe enough to stand down.
And safety doesn’t come from force.
Anxiety Isn’t the Problem… The Fight Is
Anxiety is uncomfortable, yes.
But it’s not harmful.
The problem isn’t the anxious sensation.
The problem is the resistance to it.
The more you tell anxiety it shouldn’t be here, the longer it sticks around to make its case.
That’s why calm feels impossible to reach.
You’re chasing an outcome instead of changing your relationship to what’s happening.
What Helps Instead of Calming Down
Instead of asking: “How do I make this stop?”
Try asking: “Can I let this be here for 30 seconds?”
That shift matters.
Allowing anxiety doesn’t mean you like it.
It doesn’t mean you want it.
It doesn’t mean you’re giving up.
It means you’re no longer fighting your own nervous system.
And when the fight stops, the body often settles on its own.
Not instantly. Not dramatically. But naturally.
What Allowing Actually Looks Like in Real Life
Allowing is subtle. It’s quiet. It’s not impressive.
It looks like:
feeling your heart race and not trying to slow it
noticing the thought and not responding to it
letting the sensation rise and fall without interference
staying present instead of escaping or fixing
You’re not calming yourself.
You’re giving your body permission to do what it already knows how to do.
The Fear Behind Letting Go of Control
A lot of people resist this idea because it feels scary.
“If I don’t try to calm down, won’t this just get worse?”
“What if it never stops?”
“What if I lose control?”
Those fears make sense.
But here’s what experience shows:
Anxiety runs on fear and resistance.
When those drop—even slightly—anxiety loses fuel.
Letting go doesn’t increase anxiety.
It removes what’s feeding it.
Book Bite: Hope and Help for Your Nerves — Claire Weekes
Claire Weekes taught a simple but radical approach: Face. Accept. Float. Let time pass.
Not force.
Not control.
Not fight.
Calm isn’t something you create.
It’s something that arrives when resistance ends.
The Bottom Line
You don’t need to calm down.
You don’t need to force relaxation.
You don’t need to get rid of anxiety before you can move on.
You need to stop fighting what’s already happening.
Relief comes from allowance, not control.
And sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is let it be there long enough for it to pass on its own.
If this way of working with anxiety feels different than what you’ve been taught, you’re not wrong. You’re just learning a new approach. If you want weekly tools and real-life application…
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